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Squidward's House Nightmare (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Squidward's House Nightmare (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction) Synopsis - Squidward must keep a well maintained house for a couple of guests but drama spills out. Characters Spongebob Squarepants Squidward Tentacles Patrick Star Monty P. Moneybags Mama Tentacles Searats(Postcard) The Story The story starts at Squidward's house, it is 5:30 PM. He is hastily cleaning his living room of any crumbs, messes and disorganization. He has invited over a couple of guests. SQUIDWARD: Only a half hour until my mother and famous art collector, Monty P. Moneybags arrive, and my house is a pigsty! Why?!! A quick flashback shows Squidward laying down on his couch in underwear eating numerous snacks and leaving wrappers everywhere while watching TV. He also on purpose does not swipe his shoes on the door mat when walking in and out, makes several messes while cooking and numerous other slobby activities. Back to the present. SQUIDWARD: Never mind. Squidward is about to vacuum under his porcelain couch when suddenly he hears an explosion. SQUIDWARD: Aagh! What the?! He rushes up to his third floor Gallery and looks outside the window to find Spongebob and Patrick playing one of their silly games. SPONGEBOB: Patrick, the objective of the game is to run around the exploding bubble, not through it. PATRICK: But it's more fun going through! SQUIDWARD: Hey! Mind piping down you good for nothing morons!! SPONGEBOB: Oh hey Squidward! Want to play Ring Around the Exploding Bubbles with us? SQUIDWARD: NO!! I have two important guests coming over in a half hour and I have very limited time in making my house look spotless for them! SPONGEBOB: Oh uh maybe I can help, I am a Sponge afterall. PATRICK: And I am an ignoramus! According to my doctor! SQUIDWARD: The day I let you jerks clean my biggest achievement I have made since graduating High School is NEVER!! NOW SHUT UP!!! Squidward slams his window shut and goes back to his cleaning. SPONGEBOB: Well you heard the man Pat, gotta keep quiet and not clean for him. PATRICK: Really? SPONGEBOB: What? PATRICK: Do I seriously have to remind you again?! SPONGEBOB: Remind me of what? PATRICK: Remind me of huh? SPONGEBOB: Pat! PATRICK: Oh right! No means yes! SPONGEBOB: But.. PATRICK: Don’t but me! I don’t have a but! No will always mean yes! SPONGEBOB: So…. you have a but? PATRICK: No! SPONGEBOB: So you do? PATRICK: Yes! Now you got the hang of it! SPONGEBOB: So what you are saying is that we have to clean Squidward's house even if he said no. PATRICK: It's a no brainer Spongebob! I know it because I have no brain! SPONGEBOB: You have a brain. PATRICK: Indeed, I do! Okay, enough 20 questions! You clean! SPONGEBOB: Aye Aye! Uh wait, what are you going to do. Patrick climbs on top of his rock roof and grabs out a bag of Lays Potato Chips. PATRICK: Simple! Stare at the sky while eating potato chips! Patrick puts on sunglasses and does that. Spongebob rolls his eyes and goes to clean. 5:45 PM, Squidward is still not done organizing his refrigerator yet. SQUIDWARD: Yikes! 15 minutes! Squidward continues to organize his milk, pickles, imported cheese, sea salads and prune juice when suddenly, he hears something outside. He looks out his back window to find Spongebob harvesting his Petunias. He walks outside. SQUIDWARD: Hey! What are you doing with my petunias?!! SPONGEBOB: Cleaning! SQUIDWARD: That's harvesting dummy! And they can’t even be harvested! It has to be a crop! SPONGEBOB: Well you told me to clean. SQUIDWARD: I did not say that at all! SPONGEBOB: You said no, which means yes. SQUIDWARD: Oh….. I see. Squidward presses a button on his house which sends out a container over Patrick's. PATRICK: Hey! Who turned off the sun?! Patrick is then bombarded with coconuts falling onto his head. PATRICK: Aaah! Aaah! Coconuts! Patrick hides under his rock. Squidward shuts the container off and then reprimands Spongebob. SQUIDWARD: Now vacate this garden! SPONGEBOB: Oh come on! I just want to help! SQUIDWARD: Hmmm, actually you know what, there is one thing even a braindead idiot like you can do. SPONGEBOB: What? SQUIDWARD: Follow me. Squidward leads Spongebob upstairs into the second floor bathroom. SQUIDWARD: Okay see that imported toilet right over there. SPONGEBOB: Yeah SQUIDWARD: Since you are a Sponge as you mentioned earlier, I want you to clean this toilet. SPONGEBOB: Can do! Spongebob begins using his body to squeegee Squidward's toilet. Squidward then presses the flusher. SPONGEBOB(flushed down the toilet): Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! SQUIDWARD: And get me a postcard from the sewer searats! Aha! Aha! Aha! I make funny jokes. Squidward heads back downstairs, it is 5:59 PM, one minute left. SQUIDWARD: Fishpaste! 1 minute left! Alright let's see uh my stereo and all my 1980's records are in delicate shape uhhh all of my TV channels except the boring education ones are blocked uhhhhhh, and my Kitchen doesn’t look like it was rampaged by giant cyclops for a change so uhhh, oh crud, I forgot! Squidward opens his closet door and grabs out a white table cloth. SQUIDWARD: Table cloak! Squidward sets it up as well as lights a candle and dims his light. 6 PM, Mama Tentacles and Monty P. Moneybags walk in. SQUIDWARD: Mother, Monty, you showed up just in the nick of time. MONTY: Between you and me, I had all the time in the world, especially how non-artsy this house is! Ahahahhaha! SQUIDWARD: Hahah, nice joke. MAMA: SQUIDWARD!!! SQUIDWARD: What you old hag uh I mean delicate princess! MAMA: Why is your house so dark?! Do you seriously want your mother to trip and break her leg the fourth time!!! SQUIDWARD: Well, you’re 95, isn’t that what you do everyday? MAMA: I’m 96!! Stupid boy!!! SQUIDWARD: Whatever!! Anyways, you will enjoy this delicate evening! I have a seachicken roasting in the oven now and I can’t wait to showcase you my artistic delicacies! MAMA: I can only eat frozen peas you dumb sorry excuse for a loser son! MONTY: You’re art is good right, I need a museum collection to fill my time, or my wife will fill that slot and she is as crazy as your mother! Ahahahaha! MAMA: Oh shut it you fat jerk! Go back to Timbuktu where they will be glad to get a meal! SQUIDWARD: Monty and Hateful Evil Wicked Witch of the West, uh I mean Mother! Why don’t you take a seat while I get you your frozen peas and later my self-portraits! They take a seat. MAMA: This seat cushion feels like it was left outside all Winter and it smells like a trash can!! SQUIDWARD: Sorry. SQUIDWARD(under his breath): Hag. Spongebob then bursts inside. SPONGEBOB: I got it Squidward! SQUIDWARD: SPONGEBOB?!! MAMA: Who is this clown?! Looks like a walking piece of cottage cheese! I HATE COTTAGE CHEESE! MONTY: I don’t hate anything, unlike my worm which barks at anything to bite their pants off! Ahahahah! SQUIDWARD: What are you doing here you yellow beast of burden?! SPONGEBOB: I got that postcard like you said! Spongebob shows Squidward the searat postcard. SQUIDWARD: Barnacles.. Patrick then shows up. PATRICK: I smell oven roasted seachicken! May I taste a sneak peek test Squidward?! MAMA: You taste chicken?! You should eat broccoli and try something called jogging! You are as fat as this other fat zero sitting next to me! Go buy a treadmill! SQUIDWARD: Patrick! Get out! PATRICK: NO! I will kick myself out! Patrick kicks himself making him fly off and eventually crash into a mountain. SQUIDWARD: Moron MAMA: At least he got some exercise. Maybe he lost some of that 4,000 pounds?!! Then again, it would be better than your -8 Squidloser! SQUIDWARD: Whatever you say you old zombie. MAMA: WHAT?! SPONGEBOB: So can I stay Squidward! Please Please Please! SQUIDWARD: Leave! Spongebob pouts and sniffles and then shows his puppy dog eyes. MAMA: Yuck ya look like one of them Asians! SQUIDWARD: Bigot MAMA: Was I talking to you jerk?! SPONGEBOB: Please Squidward!!! SQUIDWARD: FINE ERRRGHHH!! Don’t be annoying though! SPONGEBOB: Yes sir! The scene jumps to 6:30 PM. Squidward sets down the oven roasted turkey in front of Spongebob, Monty and the hateful mother at the table. SQUIDWARD: Eat up. MAMA: You can’t cook for nothing! You’re father was a real man! You cook like those stupid good for nothing Millennials and their disgusting Ramen Noodles! SQUIDWARD: I know a place you could go after dinner, go west down the street, past the Krusty Krab and through a willow. MAMA: That's a graveyard you dumb manchild! SQUIDWARD: Perfect! Where you should be under the sand by now! He picks her old boney body up. MAMA: Hey put me down! My bingo friends will make fun of me for being manhandled by my stupid son! SPONGEBOB: Put her down Squidward! He does. SQUIDWARD: Whatever. 7:00 PM, dinner concludes. Squidward's mother has fallen asleep on the couch with her false teeth dripping out. MONTY: Now Squidward, you said you had some self-portraits to show me. SQUIDWARD: Indeed, I do! I think you will be impressed by my extravagant style of the paints! MONTY: I hope I will because, If I was a statement collector I would say that the statement would belong in the dumpster! Ahhahaha! SQUIDWARD: Hahaha ha, I don’t get it. SPONGEBOB: I’ll show you where the portraits are Mr.Moneybags! Spongebob takes the art collector's hand and rushes upstairs two stories with him. SQUIDWARD: Spongebob you dolt! He follows. They burst into the gallery. SPONGEBOB: Here we are Monty! The gallery! Full of those 492 amazing portraits! Glass figurines! Hedgeart! And sculptures! Squidward arrives. SQUIDWARD: Do you like it? Monty puts his glasses on and grabs a vase. MONTY: What's this? SQUIDWARD: Oh that, that's called “Squidward en vase,” modeled after the ancient ming vase! MONTY: Well no wonder it is ancient, by the look of it, it's flowers would’ve been dead since then! Ahahahaa! SQUIDWARD: Yeah you’re right! Vases are stupid! Squidward then gets out a self-portrait. SQUIDWARD: This impressive piece of artwork is called “A Thousand Points of Squid.” MONTY: Impressive and a thousand? More like repulsive and a zero! Ahahaha! Squidward grabs a sign in the shape of his head. SQUIDWARD: How about this? MONTY: Wait let me guess! “Pipes from the dump?” SQUIDWARD: No!................ Yes. MONTY: Ahahahaha! Mama Tentacles finally makes it upstairs with her cane. MAMA: What's all this racket up here?! I was dreaming about meeting Frank Jazz from the 1920s! SQUIDWARD: What do you think of my art Mother? MAMA: They look like they were drawn by six year old children! Even they can do better than you! You stink at coloring with Crayolas! SQUIDWARD: It's not coloring with crayolas! It's state of the art painting! MONTY: More like bait for the garbage men! Ahahaha! SQUIDWARD: Zip it Monty. MAMA: Still looks like children's play to me. SQUIDWARD: You know what! I have had it with you you old monster! All my life! You have ridiculed me after ridiculed me for doing stuff like riding a bike, or drawing or playing the kazoo or even taking a bubble bath! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! YOU WERE A HORRIBLE MOTHER AND THE REASON FOR MY ILL-TEMPERAMENT AND MY LOW-CLASS LIFE! BUT I WILL NEVER BECOME THE HATEFUL BIGOTS YOU AND FATHER WERE! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE! SPONGEBOB: This is kind of a bad time Squidward but uhhhh I uh accidentally let Patrick into your washing machines again. The house bursts and is destroyed making Patrick float away in the stream. PATRICK: Guess I’m going on vacation. Spongebob, Squidward, Monty and Mama Tentacles stand in the flooded remains of Squidward's house. SQUIDWARD: And now I have just lost what I had managed to achieve in my horrible good for nothing life! Oh the Universe strikes again! Strike me on the head while you’re at it! SPONGEBOB: I think I am going now. Spongebob swims away to join Patrick on that vacation. MONTY: Normally I would make one of my bad but good jokes but I think I’ll leave now too. He swims away in a different direction. SQUIDWARD(to his mom): WHY CAN’T YOU JUST APPRECIATE ME FOR ONCE YOU OLD EMULATION OF THE LIVING DEAD?!! MAMA: BECAUSE!!!! …….. I’M JEALOUS! SQUIDWARD: What do you mean jealous?! MAMA: DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING THIS OLD BIGOT WHO HATES EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING!! NO I DON’T!!!! I HATE THAT TOO!!! SQUIDWARD: Come again? MAMA: THE REASON WHY I WAS HARD ON YOU ALL YOUR LIFE WAS BECAUSE, THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YA!!! I USED TO BE A VERY HAPPY PRETTY WOMAN! BY THE WAY DON’T MAKE A USED TO JOKE! AND I WAS CHEATED OUT OF A GREAT PRIZE! I WAS LED TO BELIEVE I HAD WON THE NEW KELP MODEL T! BUT NO!!!! SOME PRETENTIOUS LITTLE FOOL DECIDED TO TAKE ALL MY MONEY AND LEAVE ME EMPTY-HANDED!!! THERE ARE ALOT OF SCUM AND FILTH OUT THERE SQUIDDY! SO I HAD TO BE HATEFUL AND WICKED JUST SO YOU WOULDN’T GO THROUGH THE SAME DISTRESS I EXPERIENCED!! THERE!!! NOW YA UNDERSTAND?!! SQUIDWARD: Oh man, I uhh actually had no idea that you had that happen to you. MAMA: I never told ANYBODY! Not even that joke that was your FATHER! I wanted to take it to my grave and never had it go out, not even in my will! But after that outburst you threw at me! I had no choice! So there you go! Now you know! SQUIDWARD: I’m sorry Mother. MAMA: Sorry for what?!! SQUIDWARD: I’m sorry for being such a horrible son, I should’ve been there for you, you’re 95 and can’t get around much in life anymore. MAMA: 96! I think. SQUIDWARD: Point is, I’m sorry. MAMA: Well uh, thank you I guess. NO HUGS THOUGH! I left my disinfectant at home! SQUIDWARD: Handshake? MAMA: Arthritis. Squidward just nods a thank you. Mama Tentacles nods a bit back with no smile. MAMA: What are you trying to do, give me WHIPLASH?! SQUIDWARD: No, but I can give you a ride back home. You still live down the grove, up the hill, next to the shack those annoying kids from many years ago lived at? MAMA: No! I live at the retirement home, and no not SHADY SHOALS! SQUIDWARD: Just direct me. MAMA: Whatever. Squidward helps his mother get into his boat and then they drive off to wherever she lives. Spongebob and Patrick lay on the sand nearby due to the stream taking them not as far after all. SPONGEBOB: How sweet right Patrick! PATRICK: But I thought candy was sweet. SPONGEBOB: That it is Pat, that it is. Category:SquidwardTentacles35